As always, I am grateful for all the calls, texts, and posts from those who acknowledge the day I came to be. I think as I get older, I might be getting a little pettier by counting who’s first, who’s late, and who doesn’t.
Remember, if you got this far and want to tap out, I ain’t mad. Thanks again for the B-day wish!
The disclaimer, this is not for you (reader), it’s for me on my birthday…but I guess it is a bit more in 2023. More than any time in my life I think about, and if I’m honest, worry about my own mortality. Don’t worry I’m not dying (that I know), I feel healthier than ever, not on any medications, I can still run, somebody asked me about jumping and I had to laugh I can’t remember the last time I even attempted to jump. I’ll try it later and give you an update, lol.
A few years ago, I heard a preacher at a funeral say, “Most of us have more days behind us than we have ahead.” Of course, us of a certain age, in this case 61, know this to be true. This past year in my head I could visualize a clock representing my mortality clock, but I can’t read it.
Last year I talked about the question, “how’s your head, how’s your heart?” Now I frequently ask myself the question as a form of self-regulation and self-care.
So, starting again with my head. In 2023 those boxes that I mentioned in 2022, I may have unpacked one or two, as scary as it was. Mentally I think I’m maintaining a strong 7 on the scale most days. Have I gotten professional help? Y’all know the answer; but there’s always next year, right?
Back to mortality, it really messes with your head, yesterday I learned that our grad chapter Dean of Pledges, Darryl Wilson became an ancestor, he had to be in his late 80’s but what got me was he still lived in Evanston. Too often we say, “I wish I had made the time to see/connect with them.” Time is fleeting…
My heart keeps singing, “…so much trouble in the world can’t no body feel your pain…” – Tupac Shakur.
From white nationalism (you are not supreme), to politics, to war. Sometimes my heart hurts. Some of the hurt gets bottled up because if you say or right the wrong thing you may offend a group of people and labeled a racist (FYI Black people cannot be racist), an antisemite, or a blasphemer. I have a new love/hate relationship with the commercial news enterprise and dammit I’m starting to agree with Trump about “fake news”, the narratives that come across the screen are geared towards fueling divisiveness, whether its politics, race, or religion. You never get just the objective facts anymore, it’s all opinion pieces based on the station’s audience.
Continuing my journey into Blackness, the efforts to suppress the truth about our history, our American history, is bad but the effort to erase the brilliance and reality of Africa and the continent before the colonizers all but destroyed that history is criminal.
I am no longer religious but working on my spirituality, for years I’ve wrestled with the question, who’s God is winning? I just started watching Lawmen: Bass Reeves, in the second episode Bass and his “master” are traveling and at night stop and bunk down, they are both laying on their backs looking up at the heavens (stars) and paraphrasing, they are talking about the brightness of the stars and Bass says something about going up to heaven and how wonderful it will be. The white man says, oh no, that’s for white people n-words don’t go there, where n-words go is all dark. That solidified my thoughts on so called Christianity, at least the colonized version we were forced to practice.
Finally, I’ve been a voracious reader this year with a new rule, only Black authors, factual history of our people, our culture, or the fiction we’ve written. Except Stephen King.
I think that is enough for this year, if you are at this sentence yes, I love you! If you understand it all, I know you love me and always will.
As always, if you got to the end of this don’t worry about getting me a gift…you just did!
