This picture says it all but…
PUTIN: Mr. President, ladies and gentlemen, our negotiations have been held in a constructive atmosphere of mutual respect.
BAT: I told your feeble leader how this was going down in the first two minutes. He spent the next two hours begging me not to make him look like Boo Boo the Fool.
PUTIN: I would like to thank my American counterpart for traveling out here to Alaska.
BAT: I got what I needed for the ’Gram.
PUTIN: When I got off the plane, I said, “Good afternoon, dear neighbor. Very good to see you in good health and alive.”
BAT: Alive? Did the translator mean “alive,” or did he just call Trump one McDouble away from a dirt nap?
PUTIN: We are separated only by the Bering Strait, two islands apart. Close neighbors, it’s a fact.
BAT: After I’m done with Ukraine, I might slide over and scoop those islands too. You owe me, coward.
PUTIN: Alaska is part of our shared heritage and history—Orthodox churches, Russian names, World War II supply routes.
BAT: Maybe we can help you with your MAWA campaign—Make America White Again.
PUTIN: Our pilots risked their lives for victory. We always remember when our nations defeated common enemies together.
BAT: Translation: Don’t talk, Donny. Just stand there and try not to look goofy while I freestyle history.
PUTIN: There have been no summits for four years. Relations have fallen to their lowest point since the Cold War.
BAT: Because I couldn’t punk Biden or Obama. You? Easy work.
PUTIN: Me and President Trump have very good direct contact. We spoke frankly on the phone.
BAT: Where I reminded him of all the receipts—Epstein Island, kompromat, and the “oops” files Melania keeps in Russian.
PUTIN: President Trump is striving for peace in Ukraine. His efforts are precious.
BAT: Perfect patsy energy. He talks peace while I redraw the maps.
PUTIN: Ukraine is a brotherly nation. Same roots. Everything that’s happening is a tragedy.
BAT: Different daddies, same mama—Russia. Don’t overthink it.
PUTIN: Any settlement must address Russia’s security concerns.
BAT: The concern is simple: Ukraine belongs to me. End of story.
PUTIN: I trust today’s agreement will pave the path to peace.
BAT: Stick to the script, Donny. Say “greatest deal ever,” then let me get back to shirtless horseback riding.
PUTIN: We can grow trade, tech, and space exploration together.
BAT: At the end of the day, it’s about money. You fake it, I take it.
PUTIN: Let us turn the page to cooperation.
BAT: So we can keep hacking your elections while you spin it as “winning.”
PUTIN: We have every reason to believe this will end the conflict in Ukraine.
BAT: Because Trump owes me money, his wife might be KGB, and we’ve got the Polaroids.
TRUMP: Thank you, Mr. President. Very profound. We had a productive meeting. Many points agreed. A few not yet agreed. Progress made. Tremendous people. Hottest country in the world. Russia, Russia, Russia hoax. NATO. Phone calls. Tremendous progress. Thank you.
BAT: Translation? We don’t know either. Man’s sentences be wandering like stray dogs.
PUTIN: Next time, Moscow.
TRUMP: Ooh, interesting. I might take a little heat, but maybe.
BAT: Bro, you already on fire. Might as well roast marshmallows.
Final Word (BAT Edition):
Trump walked away with nothing but hotel stationery and a new nickname—Flunky Don. Putin got to flex, spin history, and remind America that when he whistles, Donny comes running.
And, oh yeah
Epstein.
Epstein.
Epstein.
